The day after Lydia's memorial was like a roller coaster ride coming to a screeching halt. Now what? I feel like I've walked closely with God for 8 weeks straight, completely dependent upon Him, and now I'm supposed to go back to my life in which I had to depend on Him for very little? There is a significant loss again in that realization.
It has been like that. There has been a piece of me that wonders whether God still intends to use my life to glorify Himself as He has done in this past trial. I fear that life will go back to being somewhat mundane again. As it turns out, the only truly satisfying experience on this earth that lasts is the moments in which you hear people say, "I know I can live my life with more confidence in Christ because of what He's done in you." Ultimately joy comes down to knowing God and glorifying Him. You want to know what your soul longs for? That's it. Right there. The sum total.
A few mornings ago, out on my back porch, in the darkness just before dawn, God gave me this scripture. I knew as soon as I read it, it was a command and a promise for me:
"Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth. Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert. The beasts of the field will glorify Me; The jackals and the ostriches; Because I have given waters in the wilderness and rivers in the desert, to give drink to My chosen people. The people whom I formed for Myself, will declare My praise." Isaiah 43:18-21
The command: Stop looking back. It is time for me to let go of what God has done with, through and for me in the past. Now it's time for me to watch for and be aware of what He is doing now.
Not two hours after I received that scripture my mom called me around 8:00am. That's pretty early to receive a call from my mom anyway, but to receive that call with a message requesting a return phone call meant she really wanted to talk. So I called her right back. Mom began to narrate a testimony of a young woman she knows who has been going through a very difficult time in which she has had to make difficult choices and take responsibility for past decisions and needs to leave the consequences and future completely in God's hands and trust Him for what is to come. My mom wanted me to know that this woman told her that it has been through reading my blog and testimony that she has learned that she can trust God no matter what happens. She also shared that as she has been trusting Him, her husband who does not know God has been seeing God's place in their current situation.
I wept. I mean I wept. Tears were streaming down my face. Because she is right! Her situation is completely different than mine. But she totally heard the cry of my heart which is that the world would know that there is a God in Heaven who loves you and gave His son for you and is completely sovereign over every aspect of your life, and He will prove Himself faithful if you trust Him. He is enough!
And then all of the sudden the verse from that morning came rushing back to me and I ran for my Bible to share it with my mom. Suddenly I knew what it meant. I am not to dwell on my testimony and look to see what God has already done through it. I'm to watch the living water spring forth from my story and watch the trickle of stream turn into a river of living water that satisfies the thirst of the dry desert places of people's hearts whom I love and those whom I don't even know! The beasts of the field will glorify Him because of the "new" thing He is doing. And suddenly I see how easily I can slip into ego-centricity because it isn't about me at all! It's about celebrating what He's doing in others now! Behold He is doing something new!
Later in Isaiah it talks about what Christ came for: to make all things new.
To bring good news to the afflicted...to bind up the broken hearted...to proclaim liberty to captives, freedom to prisoners...to comfort all who mourn...to grant those who mourn beauty for ashes, oil of gladness instead of mourning, a mantle of praise instead of a a spirit of fainting...So they will be called Oaks of Righteousness
Before Lydia was born the overwhelmingly consistent advice I received was that "we needed to hold the baby." The nurses told us they would take her to another room, get foot prints and hand prints and photographs, put a hat on her, wrap her in a blanket, etc... and then bring her to us. I was pretty sure based on the ultrasounds I saw that putting a hat on Lydia was not going to make the situation any easier. So I asked that they not only do all of those things, but that they come back and describe her to us before they brought her in.
When Lydia finally arrived after many hours of labor, the room that was once filled with lots and lots of laughter was soon much quieter with only the nurses who were not tending to Lydia still laughing. I was pretty sure I knew why, but I did not look. Later, after the doctor was called out of the room to examine her, she returned to us to ask how determined we were to hold her. I looked at her as seriously as I have ever spoken to someone and told her that I was never in any way insistent on seeing Lydia but that I wanted to know what she looked like first. The Doctor went on to describe Lydia's body. She was so severely swollen that they couldn't really make out her hands or her eyes or other key features. There were other very descriptive details of her form that were shared that made me more than confident holding her was not the right decision.
The nurse who had promised to do all of those things previously came into the room and apologized that they weren't able to get hand prints or photographs or even wrap her in a blanket for fear of rupturing her skin surrounding her swollen body. And then she handed us a box full of mementos many of which had very clear, crisp beautiful footprints. I have never been so grateful for little footprints...some.. some proof that what I delivered was indeed a baby. (Now I'm crying.)
When Jeff asked me later that evening, "How do people do this without Christ?"
I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said, “I don't know! Without Christ and the promise of greater purpose and eternity the only thing I have left is that I just brought that into the world! That severely deformed baby.”
But that is exactly why Christ came.
He came to turn ashes and deformities and all things ugly into something beautiful. And I am seeing it.
After my mother relayed the story of her friend, she told me that she and my sister would like to make a book titled "Lydia's Finger Prints." I'm weeping now as I write this. She would like the cover of the book to have a picture of her little footprints. And in the book she would like to have all of the stories from people who have read my blog, who have been impacted by her little life, and who would be so kind as to write their stories.
I absolutely LOVE this imagery. It would be wonderful to have a more complete picture of the beauty she was created to be. And I am blown away. God's work in all of your lives, is the rest of her picture to me.
So now I ask: If God has touched your heart through Lydia's life--in any way, would you kindly consider writing a short (or long) note to me or my mom to be included in this little book?
Mom: patcee1@gmail.com
Me: erinricher@gmail.com
Please put the subject line : Lydia's Fingerprints
