By His Grace

By His Grace
Restored

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

We Received Sad News

 I read it to myself probably a hundred times after I wrote it because the Truth in it still ministers to me.  My mom informed me this happens to her and she assumes this happens when the Holy Spirit writes for us.  I have no doubt that she's right.  And the comments that followed from my friends were, and continue to be, such a blessing.

This is the note I wrote to my Facebook friends three days after we got the news of Lydia Grace's grave condition. I’m placing it here so that I’ll have it with the rest of the story later:


Three days ago we received news that our growing baby will likely not make it to term, and if it does, it would have many complications to overcome to survive.  There is no way to describe the moments in which you receive news like this.  They go on for eternity because it takes that long for the reality to set in, but it's actually just a few brief sentences as the ultrasound tech describes what you're looking at.

We told our children immediately after the appointment and gave them permission to talk about it with whomever they wished.  It is not a secret.  Children are amazingly resilient and most certainly take their queues from us.

It's amazing the range of political views that surface at times like this.  No one is pushing theirs upon me.  In fact, I am feeling nothing but deep compassion from everyone who chooses to share their opinions with me, especially those giving me permission to do the "unthinkable."  I won't speak on this topic.  But when you are in the midst of a trial like this, people's opinions are kind of like white noise.  You aren't pulling from your political opinions or considering other's political opinions or even "thinking" about your decision at all.   In fact there is no such thing as "the unthinkable."  You just do what is a part of you.  You respond from within yourself and  according to Whom you belong.  

The number of people who are hearing the news is growing, and I know many of you are concerned and want to know how I am.  I will give updates as I journey, but they may be long winded, so I will put them in notes form.

Here is an excerpt from a note I wrote to a close friend this morning:

I am doing amazingly well considering. I feel like God has quickly brought me into a rhythm of trust and thanksgiving as I play the waiting game for Him to fulfill His purposes in this baby's life as well as my own for this season. It is a very strange place to be--waiting for a child to die inside of you. But I definitely feel like God has prepared me in so many miraculous ways for this journey and that He is truly "proving" my faith:

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire —may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy" 1 peter1:6-8

I have always said that I do not know WHAT I would do or how my faith would endure in times of great trial. But in the midst of this I feel inexplicable, "inexpressible and glorious joy" because I now see that the Truth He has been instilling in me slowly and steadily over my life crystalizes in some strange way in times of trouble. And now it has become tangible and unmistakably real. And in a funny way I find myself fascinated by it, studying it, and mesmerized by it and amazed by this entity of my life (faith) that really is a separate thing all on it's own--truly a spiritual gift from God--separate from me, yet so deeply a part of me.

*My God is real
*My God is present
*My God is good
*My God is everything to me
*My God comforts
*My God speaks to me
*My God deeply and truly truly loves me.
*Jesus really loves children and heals them and carries them close to his heart
*My God binds up the broken hearted
*Nothing happens outside of My God's understanding and perfect plans
*I know God will glorify Himself and the world will know Him a little bit better because through this He will reveal Himself.

I cry sometimes. But the tears are definitely lessening.  And I am not afraid. My sleep is sweet and I have woken up the last two mornings just so thankful for the feeling of rest, peace, and trust.  Sometimes I cry just because I can't imagine going through something like this and not knowing God.  I cry for those who are missing out on this precious, precious relationship with One who knows us and how to comfort us perfectly.

I'm so thankful for my friends who give me space and yet are so completely eager and available to me for just the things I need. And I'm thankful for how God raises up parts of His body to whom I never was very connected that have linked with me during this time because they have just the information or connection or support that I need.  Every text, every note and every scripture sent is so special to my heart.

This scripture you referenced above from 2 Chronicles is exactly the verse God gave me the evening we got our news. Having been given it a second time, it is that much more special. I will memorize it: 2 Chron 16:9) “For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.”

Thank you for your note. Thank you for carrying me so close to your heart. Please continue to do so. Everyone's prayers are clearly very powerful.

I'm thankful for every one of you.  I'm so sorry that many of you are getting this news this way.  I'm thankful for your friendships and your love.

May you know the love of God more deeply each moment of each day...

Erin

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