When God Speaks...

Sometime in early March, shortly before we found out we were pregnant, I took a trip to Mississippi.  Though I did pray that God would use me while there, in fact I thought I was going on a business trip to learn more about running a small business.  I did that, too.  But as it turned out the Lord allowed me to be a part of a much bigger plan.  I got to spend some time with a dear friend who has poured into my life many times, and in this case I got to pour into hers and be apart of some amazing things God was doing—this is a different story and quite frankly not mine to tell, but it provides a backdrop.

During our conversations she mentioned a prayer shawl that she had been given.  She described what a prayer shawl was and recounted how she had received hers.  She had been wanting one, but the woman she knew in her church who made them for people didn't take orders, she simply made them for whomever the Lord put on her heart.  Resigned to the idea that she may never receive one as a gift, she had contemplated purchasing one but never did.   One day as she was sitting in the sanctuary and listening to the worship team rehearse, she bowed and prayed.  She prayed specifically to dedicate her next year to more fervent and frequent prayer.  As she was praying someone tapped on her shoulder.  It was the woman who makes the prayer shawls and she was presenting my friend with her latest creation.  My friend knew in that moment, since she had never shared with anyone her desire for a prayer shawl, and the impossible timing of the gift, that the Lord was speaking to her intimately and that He knew her heart. 

Of course, as she recounted this story, a longing welled up in me for such a sacred and intimate symbol of dedicated prayer, but I never voiced it.  It wasn't about me at all.  I have thought about it a few times since, but only fleeting thoughts because I know of no one who makes prayer shawls.  I wouldn't know where to buy one or even if I'd want to buy my own. In fact, this woman is the only woman I know who even has one.

Yesterday, a package came in the mail for me.   The package looked and felt like my packages look when I send out my baby blankets.  It was from my clinical supervisor for counseling.  I know she attends church but we don't speak about spiritual things very often, if ever.  We discuss my client cases and she is amazingly insightful and a wonderful gift to me when it comes to clinical supervision.  As I took ahold of the package, and felt it, I couldn't even imagine what she would have sent as she knows so little about me personally.

 If I'm being honest these were the thoughts going through my head:

"Please tell me she didn't send me a baby blanket for Lydia."

"No, she wouldn't have sent me a baby blanket."

"What gift could someone possibly give someone at a time like this that would actually be thoughtful?  Cards are wonderful, but a package??"

"Brace yourself, Erin, this might be really painful."

I ripped open the package (kind of like a band aid) so as to get the pain over with as quickly as possible.  I was confused at first as I pulled out what looked to be a blanket.  It was beautifully crocheted in exactly my favorite colors. It came with a card:

"May God's grace be upon this shawl...

warming, comforting, enfolding, and embracing.  

May this mantle be a safe haven...

a sacred plea of security and well-being,

sustaining and embracing in good times

as well as difficult ones.

May he who receives this shawl be...

cradled in hope, kept in joy,

graced with peace, and wrapped in love.

-the Prayer Shawl Ministry"

Stitched to the corner is Psalm 139.

My heart began to race. 

Even if you've read it a hundred times, read it again now for me.  If you've never read it before, please read it for me (and you) now.  I provided the link (which I had to learn how to do just now).  Scroll over the text "Psalm 139" and click the link.  Read it and see how incredibly amazing this scripture fits my current circumstances: me, the baby, the gift!  No one knew I even desired a prayer shawl!  I never would have asked for one.  And it came from the most unexpected person, and it had stitched on it a verse that applies in so many different perfect ways.

I need to tell this story because while there are difficult times in this journey--times of tears because of hurt and sorrow--there are also times of tears because of the amazing way the Lord lavishes His intimate love on us in times of darkness.  These times need to be shared, too.  I write about them because these are events in the story I desperately want to remember when I look back over this season of my life.  God spoke!

The other day as I opened this gift, He spoke to me!  He speaks to us!

"My plans for you were perfect even as I knit you together." 

"I know every thought and desire that is on your heart, even the ones you've barely thought and never spoken."

"I can and do fulfill my plans through the most unexpected vessels."

"Nothing in your life is, or ever has been, hidden from me."

And these last verses of the Psalm have a special meaning to me as well:

"Search me O God, and know my heart.  Test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."  

I have prayed those last verses many times.  I know them by heart.  I prayed them a lot just before we got our diagnosis.  If you've read "The Prequel," you know that God tested me and knew my anxious thoughts--specifically regarding the baby-- and He saw the anxiety ridden parts of me that needed changed, and He had already led me in the way everlasting.  He freed me from fear before we even knew there was officially something wrong.  He answered that prayer.  He's continuing to answer that prayer.  He is so, so personal.

What a beautiful gift to receive.  I can't wait to tell my friend how God used her.   And I just love how I expected to be hurt and instead was given an amazingly precious gift.  I'm sure there's a lesson in that, too.     http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+139&version=NIV